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Let's Call A Fish Exactly What It Is: A Fish
The best fish I’ve ever eaten didn’t taste at all like fish, and
I am starting to believe that may be the benchmark for all seafood.
Seriously, we all know what fish tastes like. We complain about it when we
are eating fish. We say things like, “Yick, this tastes fishy!”
And then we throw it away and order a pizza. I am absolutely convinced that
nobody actually likes the taste of fish and the only fish Americans will tolerate
eating is fish that doesn’t taste anything at all like fish.
The oddest thing about all this is that when it comes to being snobby about
food, people can be the snobbiest when it comes to fish. They discuss the merits
of different fish and the best ways to prepare each type of fish while all
along the only thing they’re really talking about is how to make the
fish not taste like fish.
East coast people tend to look down upon us Midwesterners because they think
all we eat is sausage. Meanwhile, they are eating lobsters drenched in melted
butter so they can enjoy the taste of melted butter over an otherwise completely
tasteless crustacean. I’ve eaten lobster every way a lobster can be eaten
and I speak the truth when I tell you it doesn’t even taste like chicken.
I swear you can get the exact same taste from chewing on a washcloth as you
get from chewing on a lobster.
McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King have all done just about everything
you can do with a beef patty. They have seasoned them, grilled them, broiled
them, fried them, supersized them and miniaturized them. But when it comes
to fish, they all offer the exact, same thing - a breaded fish filet doused
with tarter sauce! And they all taste exactly the same - like breaded tarter
sauce on a bun! Fast-food fish sandwiches haven’t changed one iota since
they were first put on the menu and when you order one, you can almost hear
the drive through speaker box sigh.
I’m starting to think the entire fishing industry is based upon nothing
more than advertising and hype. Have you ever heard of a blind, fish tasting?
If I were to blindfold you and have you sample a half-dozen different types
of fish, would you be able to identify them?
I don’t think so.
Recently, I read of a proposal floated by a Danish EU minister that every
fishing trawler
in Europe be fitted with
security cameras to stop
fishermen from discarding less popular fish into the sea in order to fill their
holds
with fish species that bring more money at market.
According to this report, more than 24,000 metric tons of Cod were discarded
into the North Sea in 2008 so that fishermen could bring aboard more valuable
types of fish.
I want to make this clear. That 24,000 tons of Cod were already taken and
already died in the nets of those fishermen and their bodies were thrown back
into
the sea solely so that they would have room for more valuable types of fish
like tuna and orange roughy and tilapia and sea bass and whatever else might
appear on a menu in London, Paris or Milan covered in a sauce or baked in a
breading that actually makes the fish taste like something other than what
fish actually taste like.
What an incredible waste!
A number of municipalities as well as federal agencies have announced crackdowns
in the past few years on restaurants and markets that have been selling “counterfeit” fish.
Apparently people have discovered that you can pass less favorable types of fish
off on unsuspecting fish eaters and rake in the big bucks being charged for
those
more popular types of fish.
Now follow my reasoning here when I say that in order to pass a counterfeit
hundred dollar bill, that bill has to look and feel a lot like the real thing.
And in order to pass a counterfeit fish, it has to look, feel and also taste
pretty much like the more expensive fish. I mean, doesn’t the fact that
people are able to successfully “pass” one fish type off as another
fish type sort of tip you to the fact that perhaps there isn’t all that
much difference between these types of fish to begin with?
The Japanese are known to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for a single
tuna they feel possesses some superior innate quality. Once they buy the
fish, they cut it up into little pieces, wrap it in rice and seaweed and sell
it
for outlandish sums to customers in sushi bars. You know what that incredibly
expensive “sushified” tuna tastes like? It tastes like
seaweed and rice and whatever sauces you dip it into before popping it into
your mouth. Trust me - it could be horsemeat wrapped up inside there and you
wouldn’t know the difference.
I understand that fish is rumored to be far healthier for one’s diet
than everything we Americans tend to prefer shoving into our mouths. But so
are all those green thingies they sell in the produce section of supermarkets
that we also cover in butter and spices so they won’t taste like dirt.
No, I’m sorry, but the truth is the only way fish can be good to eat
is when every iota of its healthy benefits have been hunted down and eradicated
through use of butter, sauce, oils and a boatload of mayonnaise and sweet relish.
So this July 4th, as we break out the grill for our annual feast of charred
edibles, let no brat cooking man nor woman feel the slightest bit of guilt
about not serving salmon or mahi mahi or any other creature from the sea. In
this country, a brat- wurst is about as healthy a morsel as you’re going
to find on a dinner plate.
So long as you don’t go dipping it into melted butter.
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