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True and sincere apologies: A Thing Of The Past?

by John J. Fanning

I came upon an Associated Press story this past April about a South Carolina man named Elwin Hope Wilson. According to the story, the 72-years old Wilson is in a bad way health-wise with diabetes, degenerating eyesight and other age related maladies that let a man know his time on this Earth is drawing to a close.

As Elwin contemplated his impending demise and the life he had thus far lived, he came to realize that his prospects for an eternity in heaven were greatly diminished by the fact that he was a racist for most of his life. So, Elwin decided to apologize for his racist acts and contacted some local civil rights leaders in his hometown of Rock Hill, asking to meet with them so he could issue an apology face-to-face for all the stupid, mean and hateful stuff he did as a young, white man growing up in the South during the civil rights era.

The Rock Hill Herald newspaper got wind of all this and one of their reporters called Elwin on the phone and asked if what they heard was true. Being assured that it was, the reporter proceeded to write a story about Elwin’s apology, which was eventually picked up by the AP and distributed to other newspapers, television and Internet news outlets.

What made Elwin Hope Wilson’s apology newsworthy is not merely the fact that he did something that a whole lot of other white men and women qualify to do, but also that Elwin’s apology was so evidently sincere. It seems today that more often than not, the issuance of an apology has become more a part of a strategy than the baring of one’s soul. There are books and even an entire website I came upon (www.perfectapology.com) devoted to the topic of how to “craft” the perfect apology.

It seems to me that if you’re “crafting” something in the first place it can’t really be much of an apology now, can it?

A lot of non-apologizing, apologies are issued these days by politicians, business executives and celebrities. You know - those apologies that begin by saying something like, “If my words offended anyone…” or “…If anyone was hurt by what I said…” Statements that begin like that aren’t apologies at all and they actually add insult to those offended by suggesting that they’re somehow “different” than everybody else - that they’re perhaps too “thinned skinned” or too “stupid” to grasp the intended meaning of the original statement. Whenever I hear people issue “apologies” like that, I lose respect for them.

If you are not truly sorry for what you said or did, then stand by your words or deeds. Don’t issue some double-talking statement you call an apology in a trumped up attempt to obfuscate what you said or what you did. It’s demeaning not only to the offended party, but to all other listeners as well.

It’s not just politicians and celebrities who have twisted the idea of apologies. The whole idea of what is an apology or what is supposed to be an apology seems to have gotten lost throughout our society. Some people today seem to have hijacked the idea of apologizing and turned it into a high-speed passkey for rudeness.

You see some man or woman pushing their way to the head of a line or through crowds of waiting customers by uttering, “I’m sorry, excuse me, pardon me…” over and over as they push and shove their way forward. It’s like they use the apology as a magic wand or a suit of armor to repel all semblance of civility and grant themselves immunity from having to behave like decent, human beings. And whenever you confront someone behaving like that, they invariably look at you with a shocked expression and say something in their own defense such as, “I said I was sorry!” or “I asked for your pardon!” - as if just uttering these phrases makes the very worst behavior acceptable.

The entire idea of apologizing has become so bent in our society that people are actually repackaging and marketing apologizing for profit! I hear terms bantered about like, “the art of apologizing” and see similarly named topics appearing at seminars for customer service representatives, bank tellers and others who work directly with the public. Corporate trainers and speakers teach employees how to appease customers by “apologizing” in order to keep the customer’s business or sell them more products. Of course, none of what is taught and none of what is learned is truly an apology.

With everyone issuing apologies in an effort to sell you more goods or cover up what they said or did or as an excuse to push you aside, it’s small wonder why we seem to have confused apologizing with placating in our society. Apologies – true - soul searching – heart rendered - honest to the core apologies cannot be taught, nor are they learned. True apologies emanate from that same place inside people where things like courage, love, honesty and integrity might be found.

I guess that’s why real apologies tend to be such rare things. If they were any easier to impart than love, courage, honesty, or integrity then they would be less than what an apology is truly meant to be.

I suppose, too, this is why the story of Elwin Hope Wilson seems so newsworthy and has persisted over the past months to circulate around the Internet on various blogging sites. People just don’t know what to think about Wilson and his apology. Some suspect him of ulterior motives; others want to dismiss him as a scared and tired old man trying desperately to get a toehold into heaven. Personally, I feel that Wilson’s apology is honest and sincere. I think that unlike most folks who have made apologizing nothing more than mumbling something about being ‘sorry’ or silently sending up a promise to the almighty – Elwin realized that true apologies have a price that must be paid. All real apologies come with a prerequisite that the deliverer of the apology be willing to atone for what they said or did. And Elwin, by way of his agreeing to a very public confession, clearly entered into a state of atonement.

I think those that doubt Elwin’s sincerity or question the apology in general do so because they simply lack any understanding of what an apology is really supposed to be. This isn’t their fault; it’s just the way our society has shaped them. While every good parent teaches their children to say please, thank you and apologize when they hurt someone, it is that last one – the “I’m sorry” one – that’s the toughest to instill. “I’m sorry” comes jampacked with all sorts of self-criticizing inferences. In a society that insists that every child brings home a ribbon from the race or a trophy from the science fair, anything with the potential to foster self-criticism is frowned upon. Which, necessarily, includes apologizing.

I don’t expect to see or hear many true apologies anymore in our society. And I suspect that in the next few years or so, when someone actually does issue a sincere apology, it might garner as much or more publicity as Elwin created when he uttered the words, “I’m sorry” from the little town of Rock Hill, South Carolina.

But soon enough - in another ten or so years from now - everyone left in America will most likely greet a true apology with an embarrassed silence and utter confusion. A human trait omitted from the blueprint of a well-planned society; for which I feel, we shall be truly sorry.

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