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The 15th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Awards by John J. Fanning
The 15th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony took place at Harvard University's
Sanders Theatre this past october and although we might be a shade tardy in congratulating
the winners of this prestigious award, I am sure every reader will join with
the Chief Engineer Magazine staff in offering an ovation of
sorts to each and every recipient.
For those who might not be
familiar with the Ig Nobel Prize, it is awarded each year to those scientists
and researchers who, through dedication and hard work, have made true and
measurable advances toward an understanding of nature and humankind. The
award ceremony is attended by winners of that other, lesser-known Nobel Prize,
which is awarded each year in Stockholm for generally boring things that
really make no sense to anyone born outside of a test tube.
If you seek additional information on the Ig Nobel Prize or its history,
you can figure out about it on the Internet by typing "Ig Nobel Prize" into
any reputable search engine. So please, don't call our office bothering us
with requests to submit your research for this award. You calls tend to wake
our receptionist, which makes her irritable, where in-turn she makes a living
hell out of this place for everyone else.
So, with that understanding and without further ado, we
present to you the 2005 Ig
Nobel Laureates:
For Physics, the award was presented to John Mainstone and the late Thomas
Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia for an on-going experiment,
initiated in 1927, which intends to measure the viscosity of congealed black
tar. This experiment has so far determined
that a glob of this substance will drip from a funnel at a rate of approximately
one drop every 8 to 12 years. Readers are cautioned to delay incorporating
these findings into their everyday lives until the experiment is concluded
and final results can be tabulated. This is anticipated to occur in a few hundred
years or so.
For Medicine, the award was presented to Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri,
for his research and inventive genius. Mr. Miller is the inventor of "Neuticles" which
are artificial replacement testicles for dogs. Mr. Miller's invention, which
comes in various sizes and degrees of firmness, is credited with relieving
countless canines of the extreme mental anguish they suffer upon discovering
that the little nap
they took at the Vet's office resulted in a hell of a lot more than a stupid
Milk Bone can
make up for.
For Peace, the award
went to Claire Rind and
Peter Simmons of
Newcastle University
in the U. K., for their
findings from an experiment whereby they monitored the activity of a brain
cell inside the cranium of a locust, while the locust watched selected highlights
from the movie "Star Wars." It is anticipated that the results of
their experiment will greatly assist the motion picture industry in its effort
to provide a better movie-going experience for locusts everywhere.
For Economics, the award was presented to Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts
Instituteof Technology in the U.S. for his invention of an
alarm clock that runs away and hides after sounding its alarm - so that sleeping
humans cannot smash it with that bedside book they keep close for just such
contingencies. Mr. Nanda's invention, which repeatedly comes back, sounds
its alarm and then runs away and hides again - and again - and again; until
the
sleeper is forced to arise, catch it, and turn it off, is anticipated to
save the U.S. economy approximately $650 trillion a year in lost productivity.
A
significant boost in gun sales might also be anticipated, thus bringing a
long-awaited ray of sunshine into the lives of gun manufacturers and the
NRA.
For Chemistry, Edward Cussler of the University of
Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University
of Wisconsin shared the prize for their joint experiment to determine whether
human beings can swim faster in syrup than in water. Although significant
in its findings, the experiment has garnered some controversy since rumors
arose
that the Log Cabin and Karo Syrup lobby in Washington, D.C. contributed heavily
to the campaigns of members of Congress who preside over educational grants.
But this controversy aside, it is anticipated that the findings of this research
will play a strong role in preserving the summer Olympic games, once Global
Warming evaporates all surface water from the planet.
For Biology, Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and
the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich Perfume Company,
Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig
Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia;
Michael
Tyler of the University of
Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide and Yoji Hayasaka of
the Australian Wine Research Institute all shared the prize for their joint
experiment in which the researchers painstakingly smelled the odor of 131 different
species of frogs while the frogs were under stress and catalogued each scent.
The researchers were unavailable to comment on reports that a follow-up experiment
is planned to determine if the frogs prefer roll-on or speed-stick deodorants.
For Nutrition, the prize was awarded to Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan
for his on-going research, begun 34 years ago, when he first began photographing
and analyzing every meal he consumes. Dr. Nakamats, who traveled to Harvard
to accept his prize was reportedly upset when he was asked by management
to leave an Old Country Buffet restaurant after other diners complained of
being
blinded
by camera flash. Dr. Nakamats intends to determine if photographing and analyzing
every thing one consumes during their lifetime can extend the human lifespan.
Hopefully, Dr.
Nakamats will not be
run over by a bus or let
something else kill
him before we can find
out the results.
For Fluid Dynamics, the prize was awarded to Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of
the International University of Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu,
Finland;
and Jozsef Gal of Lorand Eotvos University, Hungary for their experiments
in which they utilized basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure
which
builds up inside penguins, prior to and during defecation. The results
of their experiment may finally answer the question as to why all penguins
seem
to walk
like they have to get to the john.
And so, dear readers, there you have it! The recipients of the 2005 Ig
Nobel Prize awards!
Science marches on!
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